Kids and Dog agility

So i have been feeling like I am at a cross roads and it is best for me to get it out and talk about it. Having a few beers always helps the creative juices flow so here goes. I have been feeling like I am standing at a cross roads as to what I need to do with my life. I feel like my career is taken care of, even if I have to change jobs, I know science is my life and I am only happy being a lab rat. I feel like my marriage is taken care of because I could never ask for a better man than Tony. Who else is going to put up with my dog addiction and my spending habits at dog shows? Now on to the problem or the cross in the road! Should I have kids? I am 30 years old now and the older I get, the more set in my ways I am getting. I love dog showing and love traveling to shows on the weekend, but should i be starting a family now instead of searching for the next breeding of my next puppy? I want to have those mommy feelings, those tinglings you get when you hold someone else's baby, but I am just not getting them. I always said as a child I wanted to have children before I was 30 so that they could enjoy their grandparents. Now I am 30 and my mom will be 60 this year and I haven't even seriously entertained the idea of a family. No, I take that back, I have entertained the idea and quickly shot it down! Let's see, how can i be pregnant and run at AKC nationals and USDAA nationals? Would i be through with Miller's MACH in time or would i have to wait until the baby is a little older and postpone my biggest goal right now? I really feel like we will finish his MACH this year, but then there is MACH 2, and 3 and so on and also harley waiting in the wings. There is also USDAA, ASCA and NADAC titles to work on and can't do that with a baby on the hip. Sometimes I feel like these titles and things are so silly and why am I wasting so much time and effort to get them, but I love what I do and can't envision stopping. Most of the women in my sport are older women, women who have had kids, given someone else a majority of their life and are finally getting back to doing something that they want to do. They are finished for the most part with the child raising period of their lives. Some have grandkids, but dog shows are first to them because they are done giving their lives to others. TIme for their selfish period. I just haven't gotten out of my selfish period! I know me and I know if I have kids, I will be just as devoted to them as I am with my dogs and I could see that being a disaster with my dog stuff and I just don't want that to happen. I want to be able to do the stuff that I want to do, not go to PTA meetings, playdates, and birthday parties.

I wish I had that maternal feeling, wish that I wanted a baby. I have always felt that if God wanted me to be a mommy, it would have happened by now. We don't use any precautions since we have been married and it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes I wonder if my work is keeping me from getting pregnant. I have worked with dangerous pathogens since 2000 and now work with horrible chemicals like DAB and Ethidium bromide and formamide and formaldehyde. I also extensively worked with many organic solvents when I was doing my master's research. I always wonder if I have horrible germ line mutations that make my little eggs useless. Guess we won't really know unless we really try hard. I admire all of my friends who are mommies. They seem so happy and never complain about their lack of me time. They juggle crazy schedules, no sleep, sickness and multiple children no problem. Maybe I will be that way some day, maybe not.

I guess it boils down to a couple of things: 1. I am very selfish and 2. do i lack that mommy gene? Am i going to regret not having children if I choose that path of the cross road or will i just continue to be happy and do my thing with the dogs? I love my dogs, they are my children, but they only live 15 or so years and I dread the day when my eldest who is 11 has to cross the bridge. Can I manage doing both as some people do? Babies are very expensive and time consuming, just like dogs and dog sports. If i have one, will I have to give up the other? I guess I should just give it up to God and stop worrying about it. If it happens it does, if it doesn't, oh well i wasn't meant to be a mommy. I guess worrying about it does show that I am slightly inclined to the idea, however small. Well, time to go groom the dogs!!!!! Enough self pity for now!